The Book-Reviewer Code of Conduct
Are you an ugly reviewer?
I’m not asking if you are an unattractive person that writes reviews. I am asking if you’re the kind of person who takes a star away from your Amazon.com review of a novel because the first few words of every chapter are capitalized. Or because you don’t like receiving a novel in episodes even though you bought a serial. Or maybe because you don’t like a political statement the author made in an interview once.
If you’ve done any of the above, or similar things, then you are an ugly reviewer and you should have cabbage thrown at you. Soft tomatoes if cabbage can’t be found. Something should be thrown at you at any rate, and here’s why: Potential buyers don’t want to know about you, they want to know if they will like the book or not.
If you don’t like the little sword graphics in the breaks between scenes, that’s your issue. A potential buyer doesn’t care about little sword graphics. She or he cares about the story, the character, the tension, the deep, emotional, cathartic resonance of the goddamned thing. Not about the font. Not about the capitalization preferences of the copy editor.
I never give 1-star reviews. To me, a 1-star review means there is absolutely nothing good in the work I have read. And that is so rare as to be pretty much non-existent. A 1-star review says more about the reviewer and possible anger issues or passive aggression than the work itself. If you read 1-star reviews, they are almost always written with an undertone (or overtone) of rage. The score is not based on objective opinion, but on intolerance. Something in this pile of words written about a fictitious world offended the reader and, in a fit of fury, they clicked their way to the review section.
If you are writing a 1-star review while you are angry, you’re an ugly reviewer. What’s more, it takes between four and ten 5-star reviews to make up for a 1-star review. Which means you are most likely being what is known in clinical psychology as “an asshole,” and “a bully.” You may think you’re doing a service, but you’re not. You are just letting the world know that you are the problem, not the book. That you are one of the intolerant literary-Karens ruining things for everyone.
A 2-star review is far more believable, and lets people know that you are at least trying to be objective. 2-star reviews tell the world, “Look, I had a lot of problems with this book, but I am big enough to put those problems aside and appreciate the one or two little tidbits that were actually okay.” And if you think there weren’t one or two tidbits that were actually okay, then you probably need to take a mental inventory to find out why you can’t be objective.
But hang on. There are many other ways to be an ugly reviewer. I have, in my almighty and pathetic powers, drafted a Reviewer’s Code of Conduct, for all to commit to memory. Before reading this, please take the reviewer’s oath, which states:
A review is not a forum for me to air my grievances, political opinions, religious views, or lack of taste. When writing a review, I will be honest, objective, and will refrain from revealing my psychological tics, even if I am bat-shit insane.
THE REVIEWER’S CODE OF CONDUCT
I will not review a book I have not read. Sometimes a book comes out that looks really offensive, or goes against my personal views. Although I may want to leave a negative review without reading the book, I will refrain. Writing a review without reading the work helps spread the darkness of ignorance, injustice and mindless censorship. And it makes me look like a book-burning idiot. I will simply ignore the book and understand that sometimes silence is the best response.
If I pick up a book that is obviously out of my comfort range, I will not review it. I understand that if I like romances and read a book with a blood-soaked breastplate as the cover, I may not like it. Posting a review telling people how I hated the violence of the book will only make me seem silly and will hurt an author who may have written a wonderful book in his/her genre.
I will not deduct stars (nor even mention) stylistic choices in the layout or cover. I know that books can be printed in many different ways and that most people don’t care about such things. I will stick to universal criteria like character, plot, writing, pacing, etc.
If I give a bad review, I will explain why. I understand that writing, “This was not my cup of tea,” or “This was terrible, I hated it,” is not helpful to anyone.
I will not write a review while I am angry. Sometimes books make me angry, but I will not use the review to unleash my anger on the author. I will seek anger management classes. And I will try to understand why words written about a fictional world can drive me to fury (hint: it’s your issue, not the book’s).
I will not use a review of someone’s novel to talk about my own book (or a friend’s). It is tempting to use a review as a marketing platform. I would really like to mention how much better my book (or my friend’s) book is as I give a review, but I know that will make me what is colloquially known as a “douchebag,” so I will resist the urge to do so.
I will not vent my publishing frustrations on any book. Just because a publisher or agent has not accepted the book I wrote does not mean I should take my frustrations out on other books that I think are inferior. I realize my book probably sucks just as much. And probably more. So I should focus on becoming a better writer, instead of a worse human being.
I will not allow my religious, political or ideological views to interfere with my review. Just because the writer wrote something I am opposed to, does not make her or his book bad. I must understand that the world has room for opposing ideas, and is made better by differing perspectives. I am not a paladin nor keeper of some ancient trust requiring me to attack–without mercy–anything that differs from my view. I will not start a personal Jihad against this book because it offended one of my precious hot-button ideas. I will take a deep breath and chill the hell out, then write an objective review without an agenda.
I will refrain from insulting the author of the book. I realize that insulting a person I have never met because of a work of fiction they wrote is shallow and abusive. I understand that it makes me look completely unstable and that I should probably add more fiber to my diet.
I will not mix my signals. If I give a book two stars, I will not go on to say that I loved it. If I gave it four stars, I will not title the review “Not very interesting.” I have trouble with the whole five-star thing, but I will strive to remember that the closer the number is to five, the more I liked it.
I will try to write my review like I made it past the second grade. I will not trash a novel with phrases like “This suked so bad,” or “It was to stupid too keep reeding,” Common grammar and spelling mistakes will make it clear that I may not be well suited to critiquing literature.
I am not as smart as I think I am. I will not write my review as if I am the authority on life and literature. If I do, I understand that people will laugh at me and share my review with friends and the review has the potential to go viral in a very bad way. I will exercise humility when writing a review because it will make what I say more credible. And I will point out positives as well as negatives, because simply painting out the bad without crediting the good is not a review, it is a hatchet job.
I will not join a virtual posse. Society has come a long way from the Dark Ages or the Old West. We no longer form mobs and lynch people, so we should not do so virtually. Masses of people conspiring to destroy a book or an author, no matter what the author has done to upset the masses, is cruel. It does not make me an avenger, it makes me a bully. And we have enough of those in this country.
Most important of all: I will be kind. I realize that showing kindness is a strength, in reviews and in life. Writers have spent months or years pounding out each novel. They have opened their souls to the world and I know that ridiculing their work anonymously through my computer is an act of cowardice. If I hate a book, I will find at least one positive thing to say about it, or I will simply not review it. I will find constructive ways to talk about the things I didn’t like. Because there is too much hate and negativity in the world, and I don’t want to add to it.